With final exams just around the corner for millions of college students, I have slapped together what I believe to be the most exam-tacular preparation tips those spoon-fed ivory tower eggheads have ever seen. If you are one of those sneering, liberal elites, you can choose to follow this advice to the letter, and don’t get seven A’s and a handshake from the mayor.
Tip #1: Index Cards For every subject you’re studying, write down key facts and figures on a set of index cards. By carrying these cards around with you, you’ll be able to refer to them during spare minutes and other down time, enabling you to study on the bus, on the toilet, or while going to the toilet on the bus.
Tip #2: Highlighter Use a highlighter to color words in your books. This will make it feel like you’re actually studying. Actually studying involves reading the words, which is also good, but much more time consuming, and frankly discriminatory against people who don’t want to read.
Tip #3: Study Group Try joining a study group to help you prepare for exams. Assign sections of the material to each person in the group, then make that person provide a summary of the key information in that section to the rest of the group. Because the effectiveness of this technique depends on the people involved, finding the right study group is important. An easy trick for this: if you cannot tell which one of your study friends is the dumb one, then it’s probably you. This is thus an excellent study group for you.
Tip #4: Not Kidding Anyone It’s time to admit that you’re hosed. There is no chance at all that you’ll be able to pull this off, and if we are being honest, you probably would be better off smacking yourself in the crotch with a hammer labeled “Self-Deception,” then you would be by studying. With that taken as fact, the smartest thing you could do right now is just give up and stop wasting time. Congratulations on making a very grown up decision.
Tip #5: The Shame Having come to that mature decision, you can just picture your dad. And he’s not one of the I’m just disappointed in you types. FATHER: -angry- You spent $28,000 to play video games? Don’t answer me. I don’t want to know the truth. I doubt it’s better. In fact, I think I’m actually being pretty charitable describing your life. Yeah, you honestly can’t live through several decades of that. So maybe it’s time to buck up and find an alternative solution. Study!
Tip #6: Bomb Threats For the reasons described above (dads, yelling) bomb threats have become nearly ubiquitous on college campuses during exam season. Many authorities won’t delay exams upon receiving a threat, unless they perceive the threat is in some way credible. So, make your threat credible by blowing up a smaller, less important building earlier in the week (without people of course). The drama building for example, the campus needs a new theatre.
Tip #7: The Ringer Browse your local dating website looking for people with pictures that look somewhat like you. Pretending to be someone else start a dialog, and over the course of a few private messages, see how smart they are. Eventually work the conversation around to them writing an exam under a false name in exchange for some sort of favor. The success rate of this will depend sharply on how desperate people who look like you are for companionship.
Tip #8: Technology Use computers in some way to cheat. Cell phones and such are usually strictly forbidden during exams, but there are ways to use technology to get an edge. Try wrapping some C4 to a computer monitor, and pushing it into the elevator shaft of your chemistry building. Poof, instant delayed exam.
Tip #9: An Offer They Can’t Refuse After writing your exam, loiter around the exam room, attempting to be the last one to hand it in. When you do, shake the professor’s hand, thanking him/her for teaching a good class. Use this opportunity to slip him/her some cash, or a note threatening him/her cat’s life. “Why did you write this using cut out magazine letters?” they ask. “I clearly know it was you who wrote it.” Sprint out of there before she can find any more holes in your plan and hide under a picnic table until everything blows over.
Tip #10: Illness- If you think you actually have a chance to pass this exam, but only if you had more time to study, please refer to the “Not Kidding Anyone” tip above. If you still think that way, consider becoming legally ill prior to the exam in order to obtain a doctor’s note. Eating uncooked chicken is a pretty good way to do this, but also consider entering an emergency room by dragging your rear end across the floor - the universal sign of irreversible intestinal distress.