Love? Love. Love!

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Valentine’s vogue
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Posted Wednesday, February 13, 2013 - 11:53am

Love is everything important in the world. It makes some people crazy and others sane. There are patterns of failure we have all witnessed and feel it is my duty to share what I have learned from others’ mistakes.

During my pursuit of studying and understanding this word, I dedicated my life to acquire sage wisdom on the topic. It is my hope that you will take my “Love Column” seriously and perhaps, with a grain of salt.

Do you have a Valentine’s date? What should you wear? The possibilities are endless, yet there is a “perfect” recipe for a successful one. Luckily, you have a fashion guru in your arsenal. I know exactly what it takes to look fabulous. All people are different so slight moderations should be made to accommodate. However, when in doubt, follow these simple steps and success is a guarantee. I will go in detail to explain for both genders what they should wear on their date on this romantic day.

The first thing is to make you look presentable. Guys, always wear a Polo shirt buttoned up all the way. A nice cardigan or denim jacket will make that Polo’s top button pop. Save sweats for a more casual affair. For Valentine’s Day, wear faded jeans with one pocket hanging out. The side-pocket trick works every time. She will wonder why you have done this. There is no real reason, but women love a mysterious guy. Shoes are also a good choice. Always part your hair slightly off centered. Dental hygiene is key. Keep your teeth clean and your breath fresh. I recommend not eating for 24 hours prior to the date and brushing your teeth hourly during this period of hunger. The final touch is your secret weapon…cologne. Don’t skimp on this. The last thing you want is to smell like $5 of great value Wal-Mart juice. Women love girly perfumes. Find out what she normally wears, and buy a bottle. A quarter of the bottle should suffice, but don’t go over half the bottle. Voila, now you are presentable.

Moving on, I want to know how women decide what they wear. Men are picky, so your outfit must be flawless. Starting from the ground up, shoes are the first step, literally. Since all feet are gross, cover your toes at all cost. Boots are conservative and hide those piggies. The only suggestion on socks is to choose a pair that match. Even though guys aren’t allowed to wear sweats on a Valentine’s date, girls should wear them…so we can see if you have a flabby butt. Normally underwear would go underneath your sweats, but not on this special occasion. Pick your favorite pair of jeans and conceal them under your sweats. The boys were given the saggy pocket trick; girls you are getting the pants trick.

Halfway through your date, politely excuse yourself to use the bathroom to perform the switch-a-roo. Remove both, put the sweats on first and then put your jeans over the top. Your legs will look so fluffy. Your date won’t be sure whether to address the missing sweats first or to start with the marshmallow legs. He will choose to address neither to avoid an awkward situation.

Now that the pants have been established and a shirt that matches both pairs is selected. There is one rule to be followed when it comes to your shirt…the redder the better. Red makes you powerful. Your night could be ruined in blue, pink or green. (The only time you can wear a green shirt is if your man is red-green color blind). Valentine’s Day is normally cold because February is normally cold. Cover your arms and torso with a camouflage coat. This coat is hard to see so it matches everything. Your head may get cold. If you choose to wear a hat then you are choosing wrong. You have to show off your corn row/pigtail hybrid hair do. A hat would just look ridiculous. The last touch for women is accessories. You don’t want to be too flashy. A “livestrong” bracelet on each wrist is probably as good as it gets. You are now looking phat and sassy.

Your date will now be at least somewhat successful because you both look amazing. Always remember this one piece of advice: if you look good, then you will find love.

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