USU Eastern to honor Peterson, Smurthwaite, Paur, Henrie with statues

Prestige. Glory. Legends. USU Eastern administration announced plans to build statues located throughout campus in honor of Chancellor Joe Peterson, student-faculty member KC Smurthwaite, Athletic Director Dave Paur and Vice-Chancellor Scott Henrie. The administration plans to use these statues to help build campus unity and improve its attractiveness.
“These men have contributed greatly to USU Eastern, I hope by having these statues, their aura will rub off on future students and faculty members,” said Terry Johnson, director of the SUN Center.

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Prestige. Glory. Legends. USU Eastern administration announced plans to build statues located throughout campus in honor of Chancellor Joe Peterson, student-faculty member KC Smurthwaite, Athletic Director Dave Paur and Vice-Chancellor Scott Henrie. The administration plans to use these statues to help build campus unity and improve its attractiveness.
“These men have contributed greatly to USU Eastern, I hope by having these statues, their aura will rub off on future students and faculty members,” said Terry Johnson, director of the SUN Center.
The statues will cost $55,000 each, $220,000 in total. The money will be paid in installments over the next three years.
“No amount of money in the world could ever suffice to honor these men,” said nursing student Kelsie Klein. The money will force USU Eastern to fall into the red for the three years, but that does not seem to bother students.
“We can easily raise student fees or charge more for campus housing. I am sure students who know these men will be willing to triple student fees and housing for these statues. This will help student enrollment, I don’t know how, but it will,” said incoming EUSA president Matt Gochis. 
Peterson will be honored with his statue because of his dedication and working through the difficult process of merging with Utah State University. His statue will be located in front of the Reeves Building. KC Smurthwaite was granted a statue because he begged for it. Smurthwaite has helped build the athletic department in terms of finances and starting marketing campaigns by means of social media. His statue will be outside of the Bunnell Dmitrich Athletic Center (BDAC). Athletic Director Dave Paur will also be honored with a statue because of his dedication to the school and to the athletic programs. His statue will be located outside the student center with a plaque that defines dedication. Vice-Chancellor Scott Henrie will be honored with a statue because of his advancement of the academic programs, even through the tough economic times the school has faced. His statue will be located outside of the Western Instruction Building (WIB).
“ I foresee these statues doubling student enrollment,” said head Baseball Coach Scott Madsen. The statues will also include inspiring quotes at the feet of each statue. The statues should be in place by next August. “I hope that next time around, maybe I’ll be honored with my own bigger-than-life statue.”
(Through all the hard work that has been done at this school and on The Eagle staff, we would like to wish you a happy April Fools. This is where you can breathe easier.)