High School Musical 4:

It’s not high school anymore
Posted Wednesday, September 9, 2009 - 5:26pm

Did you like high school? Were you popular? Did everyone know your name and wished they were you? Does wearing your high school wardrobe make you feel better? Then you might be a high school Barbie or Ken, someone who can't let go of the past. You are basically someone who tops people's most annoying list. With this article, I hope to help you identify and avoid any and all conversations with these Neanderthals.

We have all seen them, I know we try not to, but it's hard not to see these people on the campus every day. They are so stuck in the past that they are wearing the same outfit they wore in their high school yearbook. I know you are wondering what could be going on in this kid's head to think wearing an old high school jacket is acceptable. I also know that you have struck up a conversation with them. You know when you hear a story so many times, it just becomes nonsense? This is what happens when you talk to any of them, they talk about high school so much that if you are not bleeding out of your ears within minutes, you are probably deaf.

Hearing someone under 30 talking about their glory days of high school is both weird and disconcerting. It's like seeing your grandma on the cover of Playboy, or seeing a group of school preschoolers smoking weed on the playground. Reminiscing about high school shouldn't happen until you reach 30, when you are good and old. Now remember I am not calling people over 30 old, I am just saying that if they don't get a lot of fiber and calcium, their brittle bones could break.

Here are my fool-proof (and some not so fool-proof) methods for ending a conversation with people who worship high school glory days. I asked a high school fanatic what the insignia on his hat meant. After what seemed like ages, I managed to get him to shut up by claiming I had severe diarrhea and that any moment I was going to soil a good pair of pants. He looked at me awkwardly, cleared his throat and backed away slowly. Let this be a reminder to any of you, if you want someone to leave you alone, talk about your explosive bowel movements. This is the easiest and most effective of any of the strategies. This one is best used alone unless you want people to think of you as a compulsive pooper.

I'm going to tell you ways to avoid conversations with people who are stuck in a time warp (or any other annoying person). I have already given one idea, of faking a bathroom incident. Another way is to bring up your mother incessantly. Every time they bring up their high school sport's career, you bring up the fact that your mother played left tackle for the Steelers. That should make them uncomfortable. If they are still rambling, bring up the fact that you were breastfed until your were 5.

Congratulations!You have successfully made someone so uncomfortable that they will likely never talk to you again. That is the sacrifice you have to make if you do not want to suffer through a conversation with these obnoxious bores.

It is a hard path to take, but it is a path that must be taken. Anyway, back to making people feel awkward so they leave you alone. Another method is to simply act as nerdy as possible. This a good method because, no one who talks about high school as fanatically as these people would ever talk to a nerd. Acting the nerd role, will cause people to instantly leave you alone, or give you wedgies. This is the riskiest method. I have heard tale that one man who used this method ended up duct taped to the ceiling of a lady's room. This method should not used by beginners or the faint of heart.

My last method, a method few risk and even those that try often fail. I honestly don't know if it works but, using my poor judgment I will pass it on to you. You must blow harder than the blowhard, fight fire with fire. Beware though, by attempting this method you might become what you have tried to avoid. Like most braggarts they do not like anyone topping their stories. When they tell you stories about how they scored the winning touch-down, you have to one up them. Tell them that not only did you score the only touch-down, but you also played defense and broke every bone of the opposing quarterback's body. If they tell you that they were the head cheerleader and homecoming queen, three years in a row and every girl in school copied their hairstyle. You tell them that you convinced all the cheerleaders to get boob jobs and appear on Girls Gone Wild. Be sure to mark your territory and always maintain eye contact. This method is for those who not only want to avoid a conversation, but also put them to shame.

In short, these high school Barbies and Kens, can and should be avoided. This is the only way to maintain your sanity around these people. Keep a healthy distance, and always remember pretending to poop your pants is a defense that few can overcome.

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